How to protect your child if he is being bullied & what does a parent do if their child is the bully

Bullying is any repeated harassment with the intention of harming or hurting the other person.

Is your child being bullied? Or is she the bully?

By BRIGITTE ROZARIO

How do you even begin to protect your child if he is being bullied in school? Or your daughter if she is harassed in cyberspace?

Firstly, you need to differentiate between bullying and teasing. Teasing is more for fun and not done frequently or repeatedly with the intention to cause harm or hurt.

Bullying, on the other hand, is done to cause harm or hurt and it is done repeatedly.

Margaret A. Kaloo, principal of ELC International School and chairman of the Association of International Malaysian Schools (AIMS) says that children are under far greater pressure than ever before and this too can lead to bullying.

“It's not just bullying that happens in the playground and school; a lot of the bullying now can happen after school and not even on the streets outside school – it's cyber bullying. We might think there's no bullying because we don't see it in school but it's not being done in school. It's being done via the social network pages and through email and even SMSes. It's an extremely problematic time for children to be growing up in,” says Kaloo.

Developmental psychologist at Sunway University College Woo Pei Jun says kids in school tease all the time but they don't mean to really hurt other children.

“Bullying is different. It's a more severe kind of teasing where it's repeated and the intention really is to hurt you and make you feel less powerful.

“For it to be a case of bullying it must be done repeatedly and make that person feel less powerful and intimidated and the intention is to hurt the other person.

“If it's a case of isolating someone because she is talented or good at something, how much are they harassing her or are they just jealous of her and making some remarks about it.

“It's hard to draw the line because once one child starts harassing, then everybody follows because that person might then be seen as the class 'clown'.

“It could turn into bullying, albeit unconsciously by the rest. When there's a gang, it could be more hurtful sometimes,” she says.

According to Woo, with small children, when they hit each other it is not a case of bullying, even if they do it repeatedly.

Chances are they are just angry or frustrated in the moment or they might like the other child and they just don't know how to express themselves.

Woo explains that when most young children are asked about bullying, they don't really understand the definition of the word.

The more harmful and hurtful bullying usually happens at a later stage – when they are teenagers.

Looking for signs

According to Woo, parents worried that their child is being bullied should look out for these signs:

- depression
- not wanting to go to school
- feigning illnesses to avoid school
- not interested in activities they used to like
- loss of appetite
- not many friends
- nobody invites them to birthday parties

Kaloo explains that if a child comes home and doesn't want to talk about what happened in school, then parents should investigate and find out if this child is being bullied.

However, if the child comes home complaining about another child and what that child did, then chances are it's not a bullying case. Children fight all the time and while parents might be worried about a potential problem, often those two children are the best of friends the very next day.

What to do

Kaloo advises parents against confronting the child who is bullying or even speaking to that child's parents.

“That certainly does happen. That's the worst thing you can do for your child because he has to be able to survive in today's world and he can't always have a mum who's going to rush in and sort things out for him.

“And, of course, that just brings out the worse in the other mum,” she explains.

What they should do is work with the school to find a solution. If there is bullying, then it is the school's responsibility, says Kaloo.

“Keep calm, explain what you believe has happened and that you'd like it investigated. Then work together with the school.

“The worst thing you can tell your child is to hit back if somebody hits him/her. That's just encouraging it. We try to teach the students that it's right to intervene if you see something that you don't like or when there is some disagreement. It's all right to intervene and help the person who is being bullied,” she says.

Woo advises parents against telling their child that it will go away because it won't and in such a case the child will cease to tell them anymore about the bullying after that.

“The support of the school matters. However, if you have made complaints and talked to the school and still nothing is being done, then that school is not safe. Do you still want to put your child in an unsafe school environment? Then the question is whether you should change schools,” says Woo.

Kaloo says parents should also not ask their child what they did to provoke the bully.

“You do have to proceed with some caution. Otherwise they will clam up and not talk to you at all,” she says.

Long-term effect

In the long run, constant bullying might affect the child's self-esteem.

The child should be taught that when another child bullies them, it is the bully who has a problem. The child also needs to be taught the active approach to problem-solving.

Kaloo warns that bullying should not be taken lightly as it can cause serious depression in the victim who feels that nobody likes them.

“The most important thing is that the victim must not lose confidence in himself or herself. I always tell them it's not their problem, it's other people's problem if they can't handle your being good or clever (if that is the reason why they are isolated and bullied).”

How are bullies made?

Woo says that children who are bullies are usually those who are exposed to violence and usually the source is the parents themselves.

“They imitate the parents' behaviour and the neighbourhood kids. When they go to school they are rejected because they are a bit rude and don't follow rules. Academically they can't cope because there's nobody at home to help them. This leads to them being labelled, then the other kids tease them. To have a sense of belonging, they join the deviant group.

“Usually, these kids have risks at home, disciplining is a problem, the neighbourhood – this doesn't apply to all bullies but these could all be contributing factors.

“School is a big factor. Usually you find these kids who are bullying are not very good academically. We're talking about bullying as a subgroup of delinquent and anti-social behaviour.

“There are many reasons why bullies bully. One is to get attention. Another reason is to save themselves because the bullies themselves might have a history of being abused or bullied at home or at a previous school. So, to protect themselves from being bullied again they become the bullies and act aggressively. Some are just passive bullies who follow a gang. They can't achieve well so they just want to belong to a group,” she says.

Woo: 'With cyber bullying, you can hide your identity so anyone can do it.'

According to Woo, cyber bullying is no different from physical bullying.

“Girls tend to be more verbal but that doesn't mean boys don't do it as well. With cyber bullying, you can hide your identity so anyone can do it.

“If they are unhappy with someone they might be vicious and just do it, but usually it would be the active bully who is really angry, unhappy with something who will do it; or sometimes they may do it to get help.

“Just like those school shooters in the United States – if you read their diaries, you will see that they hate everyone but they feel that they want help. They're hoping that they can get somebody's attention to help them. So, bullying may have some violence but the bully may also crave some help and attention,” says Woo.

My child, the bully

So, what does a parent do if their child is the bully?

First of all they have to acknowledge that their child is a bully. Sometimes parents are not aware of it and they can't believe that their own child is a bully.

After accepting the fact that their child has a problem, they need to seek help.

Just telling them not to bully won't work because it's a habit, explains Woo.

“It's a learning process. By the time they bully, they have actually learnt bits and pieces from being defiant, going against authority, breaking rules, lying, stealing and then bullying. So, it's about learning to undo, to unlearn all of these inappropriate behaviours and then relearn a new set of behaviours.

“Bullies usually have self-esteem issues as well. Even though they bully others, they might not feel good about themselves.

“When that happens, you also have to talk about self-esteem issues. Then you have to focus on how to help them. You need to also check if there is any violence in their surroundings that they are exposed to which they might imitate,” she says.

Woo advises parents of bullies to see a counsellor for help.

Kaloo warns parents to watch their own behaviour in front of the children to avoid bringing up bullies.

“Be very careful how you deal with people and that you are not aggressive because if they hear you shouting or calling out names in the car, they can quickly pick up on that.

“So, if you don't want to bring up a bully, make sure your own behaviour is always appropriate in front of your children.

Conclusion

Woo says it is important for parents to be able to communicate with their children so that they know what's going on in their children's lives, who their friends are, whether they are keeping bad company, and even what they are writing online and what is being written about them.

She advises parents to start from the time their children are small by inviting their children's friends over for small birthday parties and in small groups. This way, they can get to know their children's friends.

“Their peer group is the most influential especially when they are in secondary school. You want to at least know that your kids are not mixing with a violent group.

“If your bond with your child is close you will be able to talk about it. How your child relates to you and how you relate to your child is very important.

“If they can't talk to you then they won't tell you their problems and you won't be able to help them find a solution. You can't see what happens in school.

“At the same time we must also be able to help them get some sort of skills in problem-solving and decision-making that they can use on their own,” says Woo.

Credtis to and source taken from: http://www.parenthots.com/